One Year Later - A Conversation With Pops

Dear Pops,

How are you doing?

I hope all is well over there. Hopefully you and mommy haven't gotten in any arguments.

Mama and Big Daddy must be having a ball.

Me? I'm doing alright I guess.

I try to remember all the things you taught me.

Try to face the world with a smile and the patience of the ages.

Lately i've been slipping up a bit and not smiling as much. It's causing my students to worry, I need to get myself together.

I think my patience has been decreasing a bit lately.

You know sometimes there are some people who just drive you right up a wall.

What?! No no it has nothing to do with any girls.

You know I don't have time to waste my brain power on any of these girls, too troublesome.

I say this even though i've been thinking a lot more lately about how it could be nice to have a special woman like that in my life.

Don't laugh!!! It's not funny at all.

Speaking of which, we never did get to finish that discussion about how you really got to know mommy was the one for you.

Life in Japan? It's not too bad. Wait...you're totally trying to change the topic!

Ah well, never mind, i'll ask about it again some other time.

Honestly, i'm not sure how to describe it. Sometimes I feel like i'm a part of everything here and I have a community around me, but then at other times I feel like such an outsider.

Yes I have tried to make some good friends, well i'm actually trying to be a bit more social this year than before.

You know it can be a hassle for me to be social, should be proud haha.

I do feel like i'm not truly living in the present because i'm constantly worrying about the future.

Yes, of course i'm praying about it...as the Lord leads, I know.

But sometimes I feel uncertain about what it is God really wants me to do, or if He will really continue to put up with me after some of the nonsense i've done.

I know He is willing to forgive everything, but you know, sometimes I just don't feel deserving at all.

You know pops, lately, more so than before, i've been wondering exactly how it is you did all of the things you did.

Our family was never really rich but yet you raised 4 of us. All while also helping others and taking care of some other family members.

You also had your own health issues, but you always gave priority to helping us and others above taking care of your own health.

Thinking about it, I feel a bit upset with you because of that.

Why couldn't you be a bit more selfish and look out for yourself more.

Maybe you would still be here, we still need you here. There are still many things you haven't taught us.

More things for us to do together.

More things for me to do to show you just how much I appreciate you and i'm glad to be your son.

I know...I know...the memory I have of you now or how I feel about you would possibly be completely different.

Never sure how a change in the past will affect the future right...

...it's just really hard sometimes...

...it's been a year...I'm not completely ok...

I don't know if I ever will be.

There is this lingering part of me that feels empty knowing you're not within arms reach or a phone call away anymore.

Christmas is coming and it will be another year when i'm not by your side. Just talking about random things in life, eating nice food and listening to you play the harmonica.

To others it may not be particularly special, but for me that is what Christmas is.

There is so much more I wish I did with you.

Sorry, i've just been rambling on for a while now and not really giving you much of a chance to speak.

I worry that one day i'll forget the sound of your voice...

Hey, I know I don't need to ask, but could you say it before I have to go...you know what it is...

...

I love you too Daddy. I miss you.